We can't always connect the dots.........

But He does and has a purpose for every "dot", every season we go through. There have been many things in my life, like you I'm sure when you just want to ask, "Where are you going with this, Lord? Or why is this happening now?" I wanted to share some things during my stay in the hospital.

Of course, some questions that I wish I had the answers too are~

• Why did I catch the swine flu?


• Why must many of my trails be physical ones?


• Why did I have to go over a month without seeing my little one?


• But, the biggest question that continues to come to mind is, why did you let me live when so many others have passed away from this horrible flu?

To tell you the truth I don't know the answer to all of these questions, however these past few months have been one of the hardest things I've had to endure yet I experienced the Lord in a way I never have before.

My mother in-law (Mitzi) and my sister were taking care of me while Jason went back to TX for just a couple of days to get Faith and bring her to AL. During this time I struggled to keep fighting, I wrote on a paper (I was still on the ventilator and could not talk) to Mitzi to call Jason and tell him I couldn't keep going on. I had nothing left, my cup was empty and I felt like giving in to the enemies lies that I just couldn't make it anymore. I might have been ready to give in but the Lord was not done and He brought me an "angel" to encourage, strengthen and remind me how much hope I had in the midst of such a difficult time. My respiratory therapist, Monica became my "angel" in some of my darkest hours. I remember asking her after she had anointed me with oil and prayed and sang over me,"Monica, are you an angel" she laughed and smiled and just said, "I just share the message of hope and healing to anyone the Lord puts in my path, that is my gift, ministry". Well, Monica you were my angel and I thank you for sharing your faith and love with me.

I paged Monica several times when I just felt I needed a "sister" in Christ to help intercede for me as I struggled with draws from the high pain meds. She was always ready to pray and ask Jesus to bind up Satan's lies and that I would cling to only Him and that I am set FREE.

"By His wounds I am healed" Isaiah 53:5

After Monica left, I came into a time of worship that I had never really experienced before. As tears ran down my face, I sang and spoke aloud the word of God. I spent that time asking for forgiveness, strength, joy, hope and thanking Him for His grace and that even though I was so weak physically and emotionally He was holding me with much love and compassion. From that moment of giving whatever left I had to the Lord and not holding back, a peace fell over me. The enemy was still trying to whisper those lies to me but NOW I was holding onto the word of God and putting on the armor of God. Satan had no power and the Lord brought "light" and victory in that hospital room that day. There is power in SPEAKING ALOUD the word of God and I'm thankful for Him bringing me to a point where I could say again," Your grace is sufficient for me, for your power is made perfect in my weakness". 2 Corinthians 12:9

So I might not be able to answer all the questions I have but through it all I, the Lord taught me how to praise Him again through the valleys and say,"Lord, I don't like this and it hurts but YET I will still praise you!" For whatever reason the Lord spared my life I want to use it to honor Him and do what He still has planned for me. Thank you Lord, for using a broken vessel like mine.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:11-13

"Shake off your dust; rise up, sit enthroned, O Jerusalem. FREE yourself from the chains on your neck, O captive Daughters of Zion. Isaiah 52:2

So what "chains" are you holding onto? What is keeping you from allowing God to set you FREE. He has already done that we just have to humble ourselves and receive it.

It's good to be Home....

Just wanted to let everyone know we made it home, tired and in shock at how much we had acquired during our stay in AL. But mostly over whelmed with thankfulness. I'm feeling good just "trying" to take it slow because I'm still weak. My to do list seems endless but then again when is life not like that. I wanted to show a picture of the BIG project we are tackling right now......our new home! Since I was in the hospital for several months we haven't made many decisions and now it's coming down to the wire. I love how the house is looking and I'll be posting more pictures when it gets painted and more progress is done. It looks like we will be moving in around December (Yea, right before the holidays)! If you are interested in looking at the neighborhood we will be moving into this is the website. Vintage Township~ http://vintagetownship.com/home.asp. It's one of a kind and very different for west TX. Yet, we love it and it reminds us of the good old south. (Plus I think we will have the biggest garage in the neighborhood.........Jason is pretty proud of that)!

There's no place like HOME!

Yes, we are officially being released to head back to TX! We went to clinic today and my kidney function was down (which is good) quite a bit from when I was in the hospital and my x-ray looks ten times better! The doctors and nurses are in amazement at how well I have recovered and all I can say is, "Praise the Lord, I am still here because of his grace and the many prayers that have gone up for us"! You would think I'm an emotional mess because tears of joy seem to be never far from my eyes. After 12 weeks in the hospital, it's very hard to put into words the over whelming joy I have not just for me but for my family to be going home together.

I had to share this quick story about Faith that I so wish I could have caught on tape. I was released from the hospital Friday evening and when Jason and I walked into the Town House, Faith ran up to me with the biggest smile and said," Oh mama.... you are done with the hospital"! She continued to hug me and repeat that I WAS done with the hospital and that we can go home and of course see Maggie (our bull dog). As you might imagine it took me a while to dry my eyes and just stand in awe of how amazing and gracious our God is.

Amazing grace has a new meaning for me in this season of my life; I was lost and now I am found, I was blind but now I see...........AMAZING GRACE!

We plan on leaving tomorrow morning. My dad is coming out with his big home RV so we can go home in comfort, another huge blessing!

*You can scroll down to the bottom of the blog and turn off the back ground music to listen to the "Amazing Grace" song.

Freedom!!!

Well, I am being released today (at least to the Town House)! My heart just leaps at the thought of getting out of the hospital after a 10 week stay and near death experience. We have to go to Clinic on Wednesday and if everything stays well then we can make our journey back HOME! It's hard to describe my joy because it is just too every whelming! The Lord brought me back from death and though I still have a ways to go with my rehab and building my strength, I feel I have a new hope. My mother in-law mentioned to me that I forgot to post about them taking my trach out a couple of days ago. So I am trach, IV, and the many lines free! I have much to talk about what happened the past few days but I will write soon, just wanted everyone to know we are headed out and THANK YOU, THANK YOU for all your prayers and support. It's hard for me to hold back my tears from the long journey the Lord graciously brought me. Praise His name!

Update

Sorry it's been a while since my last post. My hands are very shaky and so it's hard to type. The past few days have been very difficult for me as I battle withdraws from the pain meds and feeling stir crazy. My whole body shakes and I have a lot of anxiety (due to the very high pain meds they were giving me). I have never experienced such a horrible feeling as this. However, I told the doctor that I think if I could just get out of the hospital and to the Town House (where Jason and Faith are staying) I would do better. So I think they will let me go to the Town House tomorrow. This gives me some new hope as this road has been the most difficult thing I have gone through. I appreciate your support and prayers and I just ask that you would continue to pray for me as I recover (emotionally and physically). I'm slowly getting stronger but it's hard work since I have lost a lot of weight and muscle. I did walk by myself today (praise)!

I'll try to write again, sorry I don't have the strength right now to type very much. Some verses I have been saying aloud are~

• Deuteronomy 31:8~The Lord goes before me; He will march with me; He will not fail me or let me go or forsake me; I will fear not, neither become broken (in spirit-depressed, dismayed, and unnerved with alarm)

A good kick in the pants

I've been very anxious and irritable today. I didn't get my line taken out today because they already had a full schedule, so I might be getting it done tomorrow. So that was a little disappointing and the 9 weeks in the hospital is getting to me. Looking at the same walls, doing the same thing every day and ready for some fresh air. Anyway, I was letting everything get to me and then..............God gave me a good kick in pants. I met one of the other patients on the floor. He has heart problems (not sure all that is going on with him) and he has been in the hospital since February! He was so cheerful and even though I'm sure he is more then ready to go home, he never lend on that he was discontent with his situation. Also one of the patients up here pasted away this morning, young man leaving behind a wife 4 children.
Needless to say my issues seem very small and I needed to be reminded that even though it's been a long journey, I'm doing well. I'm not the only one fighting for life. I told Ryan (heart patient) what an encouragement he is to me.


On a lighter note; the other night was a little eventful. Jason woke up around 6 a.m to use the restroom and as he was walking in the dark to the bathroom he stepped into something wet. After flipping the light on, he quickly realized he had stepped in pee! My night nurse forgot to cap my catheter after she emptied it out and so there was pee ALL over the floor. The nurses were nice to give him some fresh socks. By the amount of pee on the floor, you can definitely say my kidneys are working well, praise God. :)

Good Progress

Just wanted to report the good news. They caped my trach and I am just using the nose cannula for oxygen and tomorrow they will be taking the whole trach out! I also got some other lines taken out (my feeding tube & my catheter). It's so nice to be free of those things.

The difficult thing today is when they tried to take out my central line in my neck (the one they were using for dialysis). I was very nervous about it coming out and asked for some medicine to help relax me but they kept reassuring it was no big deal coming out. Well, after tugging, crying, and pulling they decided my skin has healed over it and so it was more wedged in there then they thought. (I really wanted to say "See I told you!) My patience was running thin with the lady as she tried to make light of the situation and said,"well we can tie it to the door and that should pull it out". Anyway, they will take me to radiology to give me some sedation and pull it but right now I'm left feeling very sore. I ask for your prayers for that tomorrow.

It looks like I might be going home next week! There are just a few things left (getting my strength back is going to take some time). It's hard to believe I've been in the hospital 9 weeks, but though it's been difficult I'm thankful the Lord carried me through, even the days I wanted to throw in the towel. And again thanks to all of you for your prayers, it continues to lift us up.

I love you

It's real easy to take for granted the simple things that we do every day without thinking about it like~talking, eating, walking or needing help to use the restroom. All of these daily things seem simple but I'm having to work hard to become independent again. I tend to not write (type) much because my hands are very shaky however the Lord gave me a gift today and that is talking and eating again. I'll try to explain the processes I'm going through.

First this morning the doctor replaced my trach with a smaller one. Which makes me have to breath more on my own. Also I have been off the vent all weekend and have gone to a trach collar which gives oxygen to my trach.

Jason, my mom and Faith got in early Friday morning. Faith was happy to see me but kinda confused that I wasn't talking back to her so today when they put the speaking valve on and I said, "Hi Faith, I love you" she got a big smile and said,"Mama talking to me"! I couldn't help but tear up when I heard my voice and was able to say I love you to my baby girl. It's been 2 months since I've heard my voice or eaten anything so the next joy was passing my swallowing test and I had some wonderful soup (I think anything would have tasted good to me) for lunch.

My strength is coming back and I'm slowly walking around the nurses station. It's hard work because I lost so much muscle. My legs are very sore but it's good to get out of the bed.

Thank you for your continual prayers, I ask that you would pray for Faith as she has done well through all of this but it's also taking it's toll on her. She asks to go home and see Maggie (our bulldog) every day. Thank You!

When I call on God in the day of trouble, He will deliver me, and I will honor and glorify him. Psalm 50:15

The Good, the Bad & the Ugly

This title is from a movie and one of my husbands favorite actors of all time (Clint Eastwood). Anyway, I thought it fit well for what these past 6 weeks have been like.

The Good~ The Lord saved my life. Many nurses have told me they thought I wasn't going to make it. And my kidneys are doing better, not great but good enough that I don't have to do dialysis right now!

(who redeems your life from the pit. Psalm 103:4)


The Bad~ I did catch the swine flu and so did the rest of my family. I was feeling great and I felt like things were smoothing out and then BAM I got knocked down. I almost feel like I'm starting over with the exception of being on the ventilator this long.

(Why are you downcast, O my soul? Put our hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior, and my God. Psalm 42:5)

The Ugly~ My attitude has been anything but pretty. I am tired of being in bed(been laying on my back mostly for 6 weeks) I was tired of hurting, getting poked, not being able to talk (because of the vent) weak and being away from my baby girl for a whole month. Jason drove to TX and made some decisions on our new house and picked up Faith and my mom.While he was away Callie and my mother in-law (Mitzi) were staying with me. At one point last week I told Mitzi to call Jason and tell him I just couldn't keep going. I was also thinking about discontinuing my blog. I was falling into a deep depression. I want to be honest with you about the not so pleasant things.

(You are the God who performs miracles; you display your power among the people. Psalm 77:14)

To wrap this up I could not have made it without the Lord and I'm thankful he still works through my weaknesses like Moses, Jacob, Peter and Paul. I want to THANK YOU too for your faithfulness in keeping me and my family in your prayers. THANK YOU also for the many cards and gifts, that always brightens my day.

*I am making some progress though, I got up and walked around the nurses station today for the first time in 6 weeks. I'm weak but I'm getting stronger, I've had re-learn to walk and do your normal daily things just because my body has just been laying in a bed for so long and when they put me in a deep sleep (slept through most of August) I had LOTS of dreams that seemed VERY real. When I woke up I was confused about some things. I had to sort out what was real and what was only a dream. It was hard to communicate with anybody because of the vent (which I still do, I do lots of writing). I will some time share the crazy dreams I had, what a journey that was. It was like my mind was putting reality and fantasies together.

Anyway, sorry this is a long post but I felt up to writing today so I thought I better do it while I'm feeling pretty good. Sorry if some of it doesn't make sense, I still feel like my mind is a little fogging sometimes from all the meds (at least that's what I'm blaming in on). I'll try to update whenever I can. Thanks again for everything!

This Past Week

Hello everyone...it's Emily T. Just thought some of you might want a specific update on Emily's progress this week. If you missed the previous post, be sure to read Emily's very own words below. When you move inches but still have miles left, it feels like a very long road but moving forward IS progress and brings Emily that much closer to her goal. Em, don't forget The Tortoise and the Hare. The tortoise wins every time. :-)

Here's the rundown of what I know to share:
* Dialysis is now every other day rather than 24/7...her kidneys are improving
* Her oxygen is down to 40% and her vent setting at 8 I believe. Her saturations are staying in the low 90s which is ok but pray they can be in the upper 90s and stay there.
* She was able to sit in the chair for a few hours earlier in the week...first time out of bed in a long time
* She has been able to skype with Faith almost every day...very good and very hard all at the same time
* She got a new central line (painful) which basically affected the entire day
* She had a bronchoscopy yesterday just to make sure there was nothing there and take a sample culture to test for any growth. Everything looked good and the results will be back in a few days.
* Emily had a fever last night (side affect of the bronch) but it broke this morning...yay!
* Physical Therapy was supposed to come and Jason said the plan was to "get after it"...be praying for physical, mental and emotional strength to push through any pain, discouragement and frustration
* She is antsy to get out of bed and get much further down this road...hopefully a good motivator that the Lord will use. :-)

Thank you Lord for all the big and small ways that you love us, care for us, and provide for us. Thank you for what you have done in Emily and what you will do.